I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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