Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
