He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
May the power of my ass compel you!!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize