Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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