That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
