There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.