I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.