i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this just has baby written all over it
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's blow job season.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
