My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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