i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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