At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
