So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I currently don't understand fingers.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
