we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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