i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
