I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
