me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
