I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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