thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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