Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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