giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
