Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
