i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
