I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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