Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
