So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How external is "for external use only"?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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