Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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