no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
