Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
