Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.