my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
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at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug