the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
