she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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