She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
