Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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