I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
