Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
