I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
