Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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