What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.