He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
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On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.