i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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