I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.