does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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