Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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