1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
