I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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