im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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