im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.