I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
