They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
