Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
FUCK WHALES
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
