It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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