God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
