either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already