I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.