Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days